“I hate my body.”
“Nothing ever works out for me.”
“What the point of even trying anymore?”
These thoughts continue to infiltrate my thinking, even years after they began. Each day that passes, it seems as though a new negative thought prods its way through my brain, attempting to infiltrate my every mood and action. This negativity came into my life more than 10 years ago, and, initially, it took control of my life.
For years I considered myself a useless existence to the world. I would constantly imagine how much better my family and friends would be if I was no longer around and what would happen if I simply gave up. There were times that I would stay in bed all day, refusing to talk to or see anyone, and I allowed the negative thoughts to completely take over my mind, body, and soul.
Despite that this negative state had control of my life for years, the moment came when I decided to fight back. I was exhausted from the energy it took to constantly feel down, and I was ready for all the wounds to begin to heal. I entered a committed relationship with myself to build a better life.
It took extreme patience with myself to take a few steps ahead every day. There were — and still are — days where all I want is to give in to the negativity, for, at times, it feels as if it’s the easier solution. But the truth is that it’s not. Sure, it’s a lot easier to tell negativity it wins, but life wasn’t meant to be easy, for nothing worthwhile is ever easy.
Every day is a statement to the commitment I made. Instead of staying in bed, I get up early; rather than putting myself down about how much I dislike myself, I work to improve the things I don’t like; and instead of thinking that never works out in the end, I set personal and career-oriented goals and continue to push past them.
Out of all the relationships I have — with my family members, friends, and boyfriend — the most important commitment to another person I have ever made is the one to myself. No matter what comes my way, and regardless of how down I may feel at times, I know that I am strong and that I can endure whatever life decides to throw my way. When the going gets tough, the tough get going, and that’s exactly what I plan to do — now, and for the rest of my life.