Being admitted to the hospital for an eating disorder was an all time low for me. I was in disbelief that I let Ed get this far, but deep down he was applauding me. He was telling me that I had finally gotten myself sick enough to be hospitalized, and that was a win in his book. To him, this meant that the days of starvation and exhaustion had finally payed off.
It had all gone so fast that I didn’t even realize I was in the hospital bed until I started getting pricked by needles. I was so dehydrated that it took about forty minutes and three nurses to draw blood from me. With numerous heart monitors, IVs up my arm, and doctors coming in and out constantly, I felt like a case on Grey’s Anatomy. And for anyone who watches the show, I felt like most patients on it; terrified. Whether it was from the pain of the IV or the anger of the fact that I couldn’t even go to the bathroom without unplugging myself from machines; there was a constant stream of tears. Doctors were coming in with booklets for me to answer with questions like, “do you get anxiety while eating?”, or “are you preoccupied with the desire to be thinner?” When I answered “always” to these questions a part of me deep deep down knew that this was the underlying reason why I was there.
When dinner came I was surprised to see such a small portion, and Ed of course was satisfied with that. The reason behind this was because I was at high risk for refeeding syndrome. As a result of being so malnourished, I could not just begin eating normally again, so my food intake had to be monitored very closely or my body could go out of balance which could end very badly. All meals were supervised, and I had a nurse sit with me during all of them. When I began to eat, I ripped my sandwich apart and started by eating just the crust. Ed told me that smaller bites and eating the “bad” parts first was how I should eat. The nurse asked me not to do that again, because it was considered ritualistic eating. My habits and rituals involving food were something that calmed me during meals and made me feel in control, and when they got disrupted it was not a good time.
During my stay at the hospital Ed was still controlling me. After every meal I continued to look up the nutrition facts just like I had been doing. And if the “bad” categories such as fats, calories, and sugar exceeded Ed’s limits, then I would get very upset. I was googling “low calorie dinners” to make when I get back home, and even though I was limited to a hospital bed I still found a way to exercise behind everyone’s back. Nothing was really clicking at this point and I continued to do what Ed told me.
The routine in the hospital got really old really fast, and I was begging and begging to go home. I got woken up at six every morning to get my vitals taken, which included blood pressure, getting dressed in a hospital gown to get weighed, and then getting blood drawn. There was no type of freedom whatsoever. I couldn’t even flush the toilet because they thought that I might put my food in it. I wasn’t able to walk around unless I was escorted by a wheelchair, and I couldn’t even take a shower without someone else in the room, because I might pass out. It took me a while to realize that too much freedom concerning food and my health is what got me here in the first place, and though I was very reluctant at first, I finally started to let the doctors do their jobs.
What would become my medical team included a psychologist, psychiatrist, nutritionist, pediatrician, and a family therapist who were visiting my room daily. The treatment I was told I was going to receive is called the Maudsley method. It is a family based approach which put my parents 100% in charge of my meals. I was eighteen, had just left for college and felt like I was being treated like a five year old again. I had been a very independent person growing up, and I wasn’t about to be told what I would and could not eat. Ed had developed a very systematic approach to my meal choices ,and I did not want that getting disturbed. However, I didn’t have a much of a choice at that point, and the day after I was released from the hospital I found myself at an eight hour a day partial hospitalization program for eating disorders.
If you or someone you know is suffering with an eating disorder, the National Eating Disorders Association (nationaleatingdisorders.org) supports individuals and families affected by eating disorders, and serves as a catalyst for prevention, cures and access to quality care. Call their toll free, confidential Helpline at 1-800-931-2237. In addition, Project HEAL funds inpatient, residential, intensive outpatient, and outpatient treatment for applicants suffering from an eating disorder who want to recover but cannot afford treatment. Go to http://theprojectheal.org/apply-for-grants/our-scholarship-progra/ for information about how to apply for a treatment grant OR VISIT WWW.THEPROJECTHEAL.ORG
Read More By Kerry:
My Relationship With Ed Part 2
I Resolve Not To Resolve – Live It Don’t Diet
20 Things Everyone Needs to Do This Year
Monday Motivator – Meet Adriana Botti
Meet Kerry:
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There are different fitness applications that do completely different things, and there are multiple fitness applications that do the exact same thing! It’s just about finding which one is right for you. There are fitness applications that connect you with others for support, and there are ones that set and track goals you set in place for yourself to boost your confidence. There are apps that have you competing against others to help yourself and apps where you can follow along with different coaches and do different workout routines, but the greatest thing about fitness apps is that there are so many different and unique ones. You just need to find one that fits you best and lets you set your own goals while maintaining a certain pace and lifestyle that fits you. Here are a few fitness applications that I thought were some of the most successful and would be fun to try:
1. Runtastic Six-pack App
3. Nike Women Training Club
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2. Roll out of bed and do 10 
According to the Huffington Post,
When college finally rolled around all of this disordered behavior quickly escalated. I had become so fearful of the freshman fifteen that I went into overdrive to avoid it . When my friends and I would go to late night dining, they would all get a pint of ice cream (the typical freshman thing to do), and I’d be sitting there with an apple. I wanted nothing more than to grab a spoon and join them, but my eating disorder, Ed told me that even just a bite would pull me in, and then I’d fall into a 
My therapist had grown worried at my continued weight loss and expressed concern for a possible heart problem. She had wanted to call my college swim coach and tell her about my decreasing health, but Ed refused to let that happen. This continued for a couple weeks until I went home for fall break in early October. My therapist told my mother to schedule some blood work, an EKG, and an appointment with my pediatrician. Never did I think that I’d leave school that weekend without coming back.
Gyms tend to get crowded this time of year (cue New Year’s resolutions….) and as long as you wear a few extra layers, insulated 
One of my favorite ways to get a “workout” during the winter months is to go ice skating! It qualifies as a total body workout, can burn about 450 calories per hour and targets your abs, calves, hamstrings, and quadriceps
And if you’re lucky enough to live near the mountains, two of the greatest workouts are skiing and snow-boarding. Both help to improve your 
So there you have it, plenty of ways you can stay active outside while the mercury drops. And afterwards, feel free to treat yourself to some down time by the fire with a warm cup of 
Are finals consuming your life? Are you having a hard time fitting in the time to make it to your spin, yoga, or other fitness classes between study sessions? You shouldn’t have to put aside exercising during the last week of cranking out work. Personally, it stresses me out when I don’t get a workout in at least four times a week, and sometimes my days are a lot busier than others, so I try to minimize my time working out, but maximize what I get out of it.
Workout 1
Workout 2
Sprint workouts are a great way to get in 
Studies have found that exercising helps with memory retention, increases focus and concentration, improves mood and relieves stress. This gives you all the more reason to work out because you will be able to study better from the increase in focus and memory retention, along with the decrease in stress. So get up out of your seat and hit the gym because you deserve it!